Community

So here I am in a new town, and it’s time to build a community. What does that look like for me? I’ve integrated into numerous new communities over my life and overcome the bullying I experienced in my youth. Even writing that makes me realise it no longer has anything to do with my identity—a stranger is just a friend I haven’t met yet.

I’ve found, as I’ve moved in and out of different communities, that I shouldn’t judge too quickly or have any preconceived ideas about the type of friends I need or who can fulfil those roles. As I moved into the new street, I kept a record of the people I met and where they lived. In my first weeks of filling skips, it was easy to strike up conversations with people who were passing by.

I consider myself pretty poor at remembering names, and it seemed important to remember theirs in this situation—so I paid attention to that thought. Now, as I move into the wider community, I’ve been seeking out my new dojo. I’ve asked around, looked on Google, and tried out classes. That might seem obvious, but I find that people often don’t take action on these kinds of ideas when they pop into their heads.

So why don’t we take action? Often, it’s because we have an internal dialogue that distracts us with negative self-talk or excuses. As I’ve evolved my relationship with my inner dialogue, I’ve become better at identifying an inspired thought versus a habitual one. And as I’ve paid less attention to unhelpful self-talk, it occurs less and less.

I also don’t pay too much attention to whether I get it right the first time—I often learn something from the experience. I attended three new dojos, each with their own merits, and found a community that best matches me in this moment—knowing that this, too, could change.

I find that perfectionism is another quality that halts people’s progress. The fear of getting it wrong often stops people from taking the first step. Sometimes, we look to our emotions to guide us—but what if they aren’t even ours? What if the perspective you hold was adopted from someone else and isn’t true for you at all?

Take, for example, “I am poor at remembering names.” I was completely aware of this label I had given myself as I met my new neighbours. So, I wrote down their names—I used it as an algorithm interrupt. I didn’t do what I always do, which is assume I won’t remember. I chose to try something else and see what happened.

It clearly worked, as I now remember their names and feel I have good connections in my new street. 😄