What Three Very Different Young People Taught Me About Support

So here I am, it's late May and we are in exam and final project season. I have three young adults in my home with different learning styles, personalities, strengths, needs and relationships to me. Two with a diagnosis of Autism and dyslexia and one with ADHD. Two are my sons, 21 and 18 and a girlfriend also 18 who spends the majority of her time here.

What I have witnessed is that they all need very different types of support. Where one might need a push and structure, if I do that with another there will not only be pushback and it will derail them.

Sometimes the most important thing I can do is nothing. Other times it is leaving food made for a midnight meal. Other times it is to indirectly make sure everyone is aware of the support needed by an individual.

I notice they are learning through each other in this process. As I gently point out what someone may need and encourage conversations to check in they are learning from each other how to study and succeed. One of them has chosen to check out from studying for a couple of their exams and I am choosing to honour that choice and support where they are focused at this time.

I did not realise the complexity of what I am currently juggling until I thought to write this.

I am pulling from many different skill sets.

Nutrition and mitigating damage — They often do not make the choices I would like, so I cover the basics, keep better options available and keep checking. So much so they now check each other and can read the deregulation signs when they need to eat.

Quiet space — So important and not valued by young people with headphones glued to their heads. I created a separate space for study and educated the couple on noticing how the pull to be together is often stronger than the urge to study and how to support each other by sometimes helping the other to make the choice to step away and focus.

Learning styles — After years of home education I have witnessed so many learning styles. They come from our strengths but can also be our Achilles heel, where one son will hyperfixate for 20 hours at a time to the detriment of their health, another learns through movement and change but will also distract easily and the third is a more traditional sit-and-study learner but is likely to avoid practice if there is something more appealing. We also have school-taught and home-educated sitting side by side, but if I'm honest I'm not sure how much that matters. No right or wrong, but the environment, support and discipline is different for each.

Love languages (which translate to support and appreciation languages) — I find that in these times they become important to remember when communication can become fraught. For the words of affirmation son, when I’m asked for feedback, dropping everything and doing it now is what matters. He asks rarely, so when he does it matters. The quality time son requires attention and checking in with more detail and space to hang out in the kitchen when they do surface. While small acts of service are often covered as a mother providing help and keeping their space clear when tidying is not top of the agenda.

Communication styles — Sometimes more is less and less is more. During the hyperfixation time, quick practical check-ins and never being offended by a brusque answer was my job. Other times, creating a reason to give a lift and make space to talk. And in a newer connection where my opinion may be given more weight than I would like, keeping it light and supportive.

Boundaries — These are always interesting because we of course want to make things happen a certain way, but in truth we can only enforce a boundary that is ours. So one of ours currently is no one else comes to stay. We have a pretty open house and I want us all to be in a quieter environment. I can control this in my own way. I cannot force them to take advantage of it, but I can enforce the rules that create an opportunity and suggest that they do.

Celebration — So important all the way through. Being the cheerleader who points out all the small wins to give them perspective.

We often adopt the type of support we would like to receive. That may be practical, such as buying another maths protractor (they are like socks — they just disappear; there must be a maths exam supplies graveyard somewhere) or creating an environment change that will shift the quality of their life and hopefully shift to a good feeling. Like flowers or clean sheets on the bed. It is always good to take a moment and reflect on what you are providing and whether it is what they need, not just what you would like to give.

But no-one else but you can truly know what it should look like. It is so easy to listen to all the advice in the world and I am not saying don't share, but what your loved one or colleague needs and what you are able to provide is unique to you. However, you can also bring other people in on your team. I have needed to liaise with college on a couple of occasions about conversations that would come better from them than me.

What about me? — Because I matter too. I cannot support them without first supporting myself. The diary is quieter. I create opportunities for fun connection and I pay attention to my food and other needs. I share what I do to look after my foundations in health and slowly as they witness how to look after themselves, little pieces of understanding drop in. Only yesterday one of them told me he had been experimenting with drinking water and noticed what a difference it made. I can't tell you how happy these little moments make me because these are what lifelong choices look like, making those connections for yourself.

Your Turn

How do you like to support people?
Do you want them to feel good or do you prefer to offer something practical?
Where in your life do you not feel appreciated and what would that appreciation look like?

If the love languages idea is new to you then Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages is a great place to go to learn more.