How I moved from people pleasing to genuine Friendships
An Aligned Community
As I settle into my new area and begin building friendships and connections I am being challenged to remember my boundaries, my values and what I want to create.
It would have been easy to slip into pleasing ways in order to win people over and ease the edges of my loneliness but I do not want to set the bar of my new life so low. I am learning to stay in integrity but what does that really mean for me?
Old Habits New Choices
In the past I would gossip to fit in. I would let my values bend so they looked like the values of those around me. I moved through social spaces like a chameleon as many people do, believing being honest in my thoughts would leave me shunned, avoided and left out in the cold.
I also now refuse to take part in men or women bashing that occurs so regularly. This is a habit I notice many of us have taken up where we slate the opposite sex or hide barbs inside humour.
My old favourite was sarcasm until someone once told me that sarcasm is a coward with a point. Those words stayed with me. I saw the truth of how it belittled others and how hard it becomes to stand up for yourself when criticism hides behind a smile. However it was something that as a family we prided ourselves in. Our clever sarcastic humour.
Once I realised that I started by stepping back from these interactions or staying quiet.
The Power of Being Seen
Now I go a step further. I verbalise what is not in alignment for me or I make the choice to not corregulate with people who are not living in the way I wish to embody for myself, my clients and my children.
At my new archery club a member nicknamed me genuine Julie after meeting me only a couple of times. It brought tears to my eyes that my intentions were so transparent to a relative stranger. It gave me even more strength to keep going and to be willing to say no to situations people and conversations that do not sit well with me.
And something beautiful has happened. Aligned people are arriving in my life faster than I expected.
What We Believe Matters
If you think meeting new people is difficult no matter your age I would gently challenge that belief. Has it been challenging for me to keep stepping into new places and speaking to new people yes. There have been moments where staying home looked easier. But the benefits far outweigh the effort and I have only just begun to explore the possibilities of my new home town.
Your Turn
Where do you lower your boundaries in order to belong?
What would happen if you held steady in your values?
And what kind of people might you invite into your life if you did?