My Relationship With Money — A Journey
I was asked to speak at a network meeting about money, our beliefs and our limits and I realised what a journey I have been on with my relationship to money.
I was raised with two different perspectives. One said that if you get money too easily it will ruin you. The other was a hoarding scarcity mindset. I am not judging my parents, I am clear about what they brought to the table and how their perspectives informed my own.
I was also handed: no pain no gain, you have to work hard for money, we always have just enough, an acceptable extravagance is a meal out, you can't talk about it or ask for it, you have to wait to be offered. An example of this was if I went out for a meal I should offer to pay but not actually pay, apart from the occasional time when I should follow through. Phew, what a tightrope I unconsciously walked.
Then there are the societal perceptions about rich people, poor people and everything in between. I was often accused of talking with a posh voice and talking about money too much. As a solo mum working, parenting and educating my boys, money took up a lot of my thoughts.
I also had other labels I identified with that implied affluence or poverty such as self employed, a home owner, a wife, a divorcee, a mother, an ex council house owner, a receiver of tax credits. Even as I write the list I still experience differing emotions. Pride at being a self employed home owner and shame for receiving benefits.
But whose thoughts are those? Are they truly my perspective? If a client came and shared my story with me I would have compassion and think she was resilient and resourceful through many challenging times. So why do I judge myself and what did I do about it?
I had listened to a few different perspectives over the years but after selling my home and closing my business I knew it was time to see things differently. So I started with audio books from people who profess to have something to share, every perspective from money is energy to money is a commodity you need to learn about. Philosophy to maths.
I found, as I often do, that there were themes repeating again and again. This is something I have noticed across many things I have studied. Although people's stories are different and how they arrive at their conclusions varies, if you read widely you start to see threads running through different narratives. When I notice that, I get curious and explore them for myself. Here are a few of the repeating themes:
Money is seen as a scarce resource — and it isn't.
Our relationship to money mirrors other relationships in our life.
Money likes movement. Giving generously tells our brain that it is plentiful.
Money manifests when you have a clear goal of what you want to buy.
Money is inert and we apply the meaning.
Money is relative — one person's fortune is another's poverty. There is no true measure of wealth other than your own barometer.
Money is received in exchange for what we value and value is subjective.
Money is not good or bad — any meaning you place on it is of your own making.
Money creates money, if you understand how to put it to work.
Money is a subject poorly taught. Go and learn.
Start saving early, but it's never too late.
As a result of my study and multiple helpful suggestions, I decided my first steps would be to spend time with people who saw money differently and to give some away, despite not currently earning. I went and talked to financial advisors and friends who were clearly more affluent than me. I found them very willing to talk about money. I was not accused of talking too much, I was welcomed into lively debate and heard about huge generosity. I was amazed to hear them talk about sums just sitting in bank accounts that I considered to be the price of a house I would spend a lifetime paying back. I saw how limited I was in what I thought was possible for me and how guilty I would feel about wanting money in my life.
I also chose to start giving small amounts away. At first it was just small change in a collection pot at a garden centre, on the same day I put an offer on my next house. A house that was a bigger stretch than I had originally planned, one that would put pressure on me to restart my business in a new area quickly. After that I would give more randomly in tips and other opportunities that presented themselves. I wanted to do it in person, to notice the pull not to spend and do it anyway. Sometimes I would suggest one of my boys gave the money, taking them along for the ride.
I also wrote a letter to money and doing that revealed a mirror to other relationships in my life.
Here is my challenge to you, if you wish to play with your own beliefs. Imagine money is your friend, your partner, your lover and start writing.
Dear Money…
I am now living in the house and have restarted my business. I regularly attend network meetings and stand shoulder to shoulder with people who, once upon a time, I would have considered better business owners than me. I live on a street where I once would have said I didn't fit in, that I couldn't afford or deserve to live here. I no longer apologise for talking about money and I continue to study the subject. It has not only challenged my beliefs but made me reflect on what I wish to model for my children. I am grateful to have looked at this area of my life. There have been many hidden gifts.